help with dealing with boyfriend going through cancer treatment?
My boyfriend and I just started dating a few months ago -- we got close really fast and both fell in love as well. He is 30 yrs old and just recently got diagnosed with stage 3 prostate cancer. We are ALSO in a long distance relationship. He has told me several times that I'm not doing a good job of being supportive and during different arguments he will always say "fine I'll just go thru this treatment alone I don't need your help". I wanted to go with him to appointments and to his first treatment friday but he WON'T LET ME! Ever since then I have received all of 3 texts...I've told him how hurt I am by him not wanting me to be there and since I'm not physically there to KNOW what's going on, I have to ask questions and then he says I'm annoying with questions...but he barely tells me anything..I have no clue what hospital he has been to, no clue how treatment even went, he had to go back to the hospital after complications,etc etc. I just can't understand why he is shutting me out esp. when he tells me he loves me. How can he tell me I'm not being supportive yet refuses to even let me be, or says the effort I AM doing (being positive, loving, asking questions, researching, asking other cancer patients about experience) isn't good enough. He also says I don't "have any idea the type of person he is and I have no idea about the kind of support I should be giving". I've talked to people, researched cancer support websites and I don't really see how I'm far off with what I'm TRYING to do. He tells me he wants to get married and have a family someday...but you can't just push people out during critical times -- I don't know many married people who tell there wife or husband they can't talk to them or be there with them during treatment. A significant other is one of the FIRST people I would want with me. Can anyone help me to understand this? I'm not trying to be selfish and I realize it is a confusing time but at the same time we ARE in a relationship. If he would rather just concentrate on treatment then we shouldn't even be a couple right now and I can just be a friend. I don't think I can last much longer being hurt by someone I care deeply for acting like I'm the last person they want to see and not even wanting to let them know basic information about what's going on. I know breaking up with someone during treatment would be horrible but I'm extremely hurt by these choices
Cancer - 4 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
One option could be that he is lying. I tend to think people wouldnt do that, but there are plenty of posts around here from it happening. But I think I might know whats going on if he is telling the truth. When people know you have cancer, they treat you differently. Suddenly all the talk is about doctors reports and blood tests. All the concern is over your health. It quickly becomes the LAST thing you want to talk about, even to the people you care about the most. Beyond that, you also have to remember that he is 'entertaining' some of his worst fears of death and dieing and being ill, as well as questioning what he did wrong to deserve this, and not wanting you to see him loose his dignity through treatment, and fear that you will leave him, or he will die and leave you. A lot of that is very hard to process in your own brain, much less talk about to someone else. And there are actually PLENTY of people who wouldnt let their spouse in. People do it everyday. And spouses leave every day after finding out about their partner's cancer diagnosis as well. My advice is as hard as it is, dont push him. Try just talking about/doing the things you would have talked about/done before the diagnosis. See what happens from there.
2 :
He is probably conflicted and overwhelmed right now with what is happening to his body. He may very well be worried about dying and may not want to commit to you right now, since he may not be around as long as he wishes. Maybe you need to back off somewhat. Just be there for him. Don't try so hard. Try to understand what is going on in his head, yet don't push for answers. He might be relying on others more close to him distance wise, and may also be feeling alot of anger that this has happened to him and that he wishes it would just go away. A long distance relationship is difficult enough, yet you have more problems with it, because you are miles apart and dealing with a crisis. I wish you the best.
3 :
The average time a person has that had been diagnosed with Prostate Cancer is 6 months. Patrick Swayze lived for twenty months way beyond the length of time somebody with this disease lives. So what I am trying to say is that there is no time left. And what time there is needs to be spent in harmony with friends, and family along with other relationships. Believe me a co-worker of mine has the same disease and the doctors said he will not be around another year. Whatever your issues are with this person get them ironed out. If you a couple then be a couple, if you want to get married then do it, you don't have time as a luxury like other cancer patients do. Prostate Cancer is one of the most difficult to survive because only 5% survive it.
4 :
One question first...have you ever even MET your boyfriend? LOL, Love ya Dave!!!
Read more discussions :
Title : help with dealing with boyfriend going through cancer treatment
Description : help with dealing with boyfriend going through cancer treatment? My boyfriend and I just started dating a few months ago -- we got close ...